19 October 2008

I’m sitting in our office trying to type up output-based work but my mind isn’t taking directions too well. What am I doing—I’m downloading music (I loved the Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist soundtrack, but I don’t know when I’d get to watch the movie) and at this point I’m on to 96 songs, but I’ve only typed about 1.5 pages. So much for progress. These days feel like a second summer, probably because I didn’t really have one earlier this year, what with the bar review and all. (The bar.. I’m all talked out about that. That was just crazy. I went half-obsessive the day after the bar and printed all the questions, started checking my answers, but somewhere in the middle of Poli I just realized there really is, really is nothing more I can do about that, but pray.) In this second summer, there are lazy days, a lot of them. I love it, really. Hardy said we might as well do now all the things we can’t do next year, once we take the oath, because they would disgrace the profession. Of course, I still don’t know how to be that optimistic about passing. The summer I reminisce most about these days is the one just before this. Those were good times. The days stretched like endless beach sand and it was our moment to play on them. It was the last summer before the last year of school—I was seeing someone new, and it was awesome; and we were all taking up summer OLA internship, but it was hardly stressful despite the heavy caseload. What the hell though, I loved going to court. I loved talking to clients. All of a sudden the things I was studying suddenly had value, and I really did feel like I was helping people. I wonder if (upcoming) work will ever feel like that. That summer was just one long tambay session, interspersed with movies and rides and eating, and the sense that every moment was fleeting, and important, and yet meant to be wasted in such glorious fashion—that feeling was palpable and overwhelming. (Palpable—I always liked that word. It’s one of those words which is exactly what it means, when you enunciate it your lips have to touch at least three times, and you know when that happens, it’s probably important.) The first time I really felt it was summer again, I was driving to UP two days after the last Sunday of the exams, and somewhere in the middle of Blumentritt I realized, this is it, there’s nothing that I need to do anymore. No deadlines, no schedule, no readings waiting for me at the end of the day for which I have to rush back home. I felt so light, right then.

Some days I think about what it’s like to fall in love. The kind that always happens when you least expect it, right when you’re not looking. That’s magic, really. Sometimes it can be slow and careful, sometimes it can be fast and heady, but for me, always, when it’s happening I’m not thinking about it at all. You don’t get to, because you just feel so completely alive at that instant that nothing else like doubts and suppositions can cloud your brain. I remember a conversation I had with Jules once, years ago. That was probably one out of only five conversations we’ve ever had. (I think she gets quiet with me because she thinks I’m quiet.) The conversation (I don’t know how many times I’ve written about this by now) was about the part where you start to know someone, really get to know them, and you discover just how incredible that person is. We talked about how grand it would be if we could ever bottle that moment when you’re standing on the edge of the precipice, right before you’re about to fall. She said if she could bottle that up, she’d be rich. I said if she could bottle that up, I’d marry her (or something like that). I don’t know if it’s wrong to get so high off of that feeling, to seek it all the time, but I miss it. Jules later made a short film that began with that conversation, I only saw it earlier this year. There was a guy on it with very dark brown hair and he was talking to the camera in German. Jules later moved to Dubai. Things change, lives change. I’m just lucky to be alive, and to know that, makes it even better.

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